Self-Hating Asian

If you follow me on twitter, you may have seen me tweet saying
” Would you believe that when I was younger, I was ashamed to be Asian? “
* * * * * * * * *
Some of you may be shocked by this considering how much of my Asian culture I embrace now (well at least more than I did before) but it is the truth. When I was younger (anything prior to the age of 13) I despised that I was born Asian. I would look at my Australian friends and be envious of their heritage. I always felt different and left out.

All my best friends in primary school were white Australians or halfcast.
They were the ‘popular, athletic‘ kids, and I was the short, tiny, Asian kid who would at best come 4th in hurdles. If you look back at photos of when I was in primary school, you would see that my skin was much tanner considering I used to play footy and all those kind of sports back then. It’s funny how I just didn’t like who I was. I hated the fact that I was short. I hated that my hair was black. And I was just filled with a lot of self hatred back then. It went went up to the point where I told myself “I would never marry an Asian guy” just because I didn’t want to have anything to do with them.

Well, obviously as you can see, after high school it all changed!
Even though for about the first half of Year 7, I was still feeling slightly that way – I became friends with more Asians and I found out how much I loved being who I was! And after briefly dating a white guy, I realised that I didn’t even click with their customs/culture as much. And I guess that was the start of my own pathway to accepting  and loving who I am!


So the point I’m trying to say is, be proud of who you are!
We’re all unique and we shouldn’t be ashamed to be the person we are! No matter what race,  shape or colour we are :)

God doesn’t make any mistakes!

Note: Title is in reference to Mike/Tina from Glee 2×18

62 comments to Self-Hating Asian

  • Vu

    I can’t remember how it was for me when I was younger, I can only remember that I didn’t like being short and skinny. xD I’m glad that you’ve embraced your Asian self, sweetheart, otherwise I don’t think we would’ve gotten along. :P

  • Chanel

    I understand exactly what you mean.
    When I was younger, I was the only girl in my class who had black hair. And everyone just teased me about it. I hated it so much. But I’m glad that I have it now! I’ve also learned how to love myself! Thank you for this post :)

  • Jel

    i agree on the last line. maybe we just have to realize it sooner or later ;) nice post.

    P.S. can i ask what’s the color of your hair? I like it :)

    • melludee

      Yeah, sometime’s we just have to realise it for ourselves :)
      And mm, I can’t say exactly what the colour of my hair is hahaa. I choose random boxes of colour sometimes >.

  • Aww sad story with a good ending :)
    Believe me, many people are dying to be Asian :D

  • this is so sweet n really a meaningful post~ =))

  • hmmmm… i neer thought i was beautiful or anything like that but i never hated myself either despite the fact that i stood out from my classmates. ^-^ i agree with the quote too.

    and melody! IMY! it’s a good thing i saw your email. :3

    • melludee

      Aha I’m glad that I sent it out then ^^”!
      And eee, I think you’re definitely very beautiful <3 ! But I’m glad you never hated yourself !! :D

  • Cute photos!
    And I like your hair!

  • Mei

    I remember when I was 5 years old and I want to have blond hair, the same
    as my Dutch friends are.
    I also remember I was wishing everynight I will wake up with blond hair.
    But that of course didn’t came true.

    Now i’m older and wiser (abit) I know you have to accept of what you are
    and be happy with it! Health over vain & idle!

    xx

    • melludee

      Totally agree with you Mei!
      And ee, I think I wanted to have blonde hair when I was younger too because of my friends :( But definitely always used to wish that I was taller.

  • I’m glad you’ve come to like your race and culture now! I think there are great things to every nationality and sometimes we forget to appreciate the things we have~

  • Omgg i felt the exact same way when i was younger..
    i was the only half-asian on my primary school and i always wanted to have blond hair and blue eyes.. untill now lol xD Its great to know and accept yourself better when you grow up hehe :3

  • i think is normal, because when i was kid i wish the same thing like u. i always wonder why my skin is too bright and why my eyes is so small. but when i’m getting older, i really proud to be my self. asian or not, i’m gonna proud of my self, because like u said.. God never made mistake :)

  • I always hated the fact that I wasn’t Asian enough. I used to hate my eyeshape and wish I had a monolid because I thought it was so much prettier and I always hated the fact that my body build was slim or slight like an Asian would be.

    I’ve come to realize that a lot of Asian people would kill for my eyeshape (at least, all of my Asian friends have told me this XD)and that my build is what it is.

    Yay for self-acceptance and being unique and whatever else comes along with it!

    • melludee

      Yes! It really does seem that your body and eye shape is what most Asians really DO want :P !
      But yayy :D I’m glad that you’ve come to accept yourself now :3

  • Thy

    i’m happy what i am =) that’s true that god doesn’t make any mistakes

  • such a sad story melludee u_u;
    even though I didn’t hang out with the asians in primary school, I was never bullied or anything probably because there were quite a few asians in my school and it was considered normal, not like an outcast.
    I totally agree with you about not clicking in with their culture/customs, guess we really do have to accept ourselves for who we are~

    • melludee

      Hmm, yeah I wasn’t really bullied per se? I just felt left out in my own right.
      Like, just the smallest things would make me feel different. Just the height, the look and just all of it :S

  • I think it took me until I was 16 till I started embracing the whole being Asian thing, even now I’m still a little put off (when people are still immature enough to mock me about being Asian & my Asian features) but I think I’m pretty happy & glad to be Asian now ^___^ thanks for such an inspiring post Melody~ <3

    • melludee

      I’m glad that this inspired you!!
      But yeah, we just gotta keep reminding ourselves that we are exactly who we are! And we don’t need to change :3

  • awww totally feel you! i hated my black hair in high school so i dyed it up until just a year ago…but thankfully, i found a look that can rock black so i’m happy with that :) totally agree with you on getting along with your own people — they just have similar beliefs and culture so it’s much easier to relate and talk to them :) and i’m lovin your wine-red hair! gorgeeee

    • melludee

      Woah! Totally in admiration how you can rock black hair!
      I don’t think I’ve had black hair properly for over … 8 years now! (Not that I mind it any more though :P) But yeah! Just being around people who understand the customs and traditions and such just makes life so much easier.

      And ee, I wish my hair was still that wine red!

  • omg i felt EXACTLY the same way as you when i was little! a lot of people say “what, you don’t look asian at all etc..” but that is now after i discovered hair dyes and circle lenses lol! when i was younger i looked super asian!! always being the smallest, having “slit eyes” and black hair made me feel so different from all the blonde german kids in my neighbourhood :( today i’m really proud to be half korean and i love the surprised faces people make when i tell them :D
    and also: yay for chang-chang! i love glee!!
    lippi~

    • melludee

      YAYY CHANGCHANG :D ! tehee
      And ee, yes I’ve discovered the use of hair dyes and lenses too lol! But I guess, even without them, I can see the beauty in just the oriental looks ! :D

  • it’s always sooo soo sweet when vu comments to all your blog posts! >.< hehehehe

  • I love this post. Absolutely loved it!

    God does not make any mistake! ;)

  • When I read your story, I was a little chocked, but I love the message in it! I found it great that you find yourself now :D
    beautiful post!

  • I’m Asian too, and I’ve always been ashamed of my culture. My parents are from Pakistan, and people are always asking me embarrassing questions like “Are you getting an arranged marriage?” or “Is it true you’re allowed to marry cousins?”
    To make things worse, I hate talking in Urdu. It’s because my mom uses it when she’s mad, upset, or disappointed. And that’s a lot of occasions. It just doesn’t sound pretty to me, no matter how hard I try to embrace it.
    I really dislike Pakistani guys as well. They’re just not my type. I always end up falling for Hispanics, but I regret it every time since they all prove to be jerks. -_-
    So yeah, I’m stuck in an inferiority complex. I’m so glad you embraced your culture. ^_^ Where are you from?

    • melludee

      Ahh, I’m from Malaysia !
      But I was brought up in Australia for the majority of my life, so I guess I never really knew what it was like to be completely surrounded by Asian culture. And ee, it’s horrible that people stereotype so easily based on race and rumours and such little things! :( People need to open their minds a little more and see that everyone is unique and it’s okay to be that way! (Hispanics are hot though ;D)

  • Tadaima~!!
    yay! I’m back to reading your blogs again! Missed reading your blogs sooo muchhhoooo~!!!
    Never knew you hated being Asian, considering you are like Anime-awesome!! nyahaha!
    I never thought I wanted to be white but… I hated being Half! cuz I felt that I never was full of something! like never full Japanese or never full Malaysia! I always was a foreigner and hated it!
    but now, I feel special cuz I’m a rare breed :3

    love this post babe!!

    • melludee

      Okaeri~! Ahah yeah! In fact, my love for Anime helped me love being Asian more too! (When I was like 13?) And eee, I understand what you mean! But yes, you definitely ARE very very special! It’s like you’ve got the best of both worlds :D <3

  • arwww such a cute post! :’3 i am glad that you found your own way. and i guess it’s normal that everyone goes through a period about finding himself.

    ShuShu ♥

  • Amy

    By best friends are Chinese and when we were younger, we would always say how we wanted each other’s features. I wanted the long, thick black hair and almond shaped eye, and they wanted my curly hair and green eyes. I used to look in the mirror and wish I was born a different culture, but I realized that there are many who find my features pretty, and have the same insecurities, so I’ve grown to accept and love what I was born with.

    Especially my curly hair. So many women make the effort to curl theirs in the morning, when I’m lucky enough to never have to do anything to it. I used to want straight hair, but now I wouldn’t trade it for anything <3

    • melludee

      Yess ! It’s this weird habit of wanting what you don’t have or something.
      I used to hate that my hair was straight and boring all the time – until I realised that a lot of people wished their hair was straight as soon as they woke up. But yeah! It’s awesome to feel proud of your features after so long of hating them :3

  • Awww babes!! So proud that you have fully accepted yourself for who you are. You are truly amazing with all your asian goodness and dont you forget that haha!
    To be honest, I hated being a halfcast the most. I have to agree with bunny, for years I hated being half because you actually feel like your half of something & I always wanted to be full asian and/or full european, but now I am comfortable with it because I get to mix with 2 seperate cultures .. mmmm asian & spanish food NOMMMMMMMS!
    xx

    • melludee

      And not to mention, halfies look super hottt ;)
      But yeah! I’m glad that I’ve gotten over that part of my life – and that you have too! <3

  • You make me remember how much I love being Asian :))

  • I can totally relate with what you said Melody. I had pretty much the same mindset when I was younger, because I also didn’t have too many Asian friends or even classmates in school. I lived in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood, so I always felt a bit out of place too. As I’ve gotten older and experienced more of the world though,I’ve started to embrace my heritage and now I’m obsessed with all things Asian haha. I’m glad to hear that you have also done the same :)

  • lol to be honest, i never hated being born asian. i was always proud of who i was :) since i guess we were a minority back in the day, the only thing i wanted to improve upon was my english and my grades in elementary school and i never felt that white people were more superior. lol i agree~~ self acceptance and embracing our own culture is the best way to go!!! YAY

    • melludee

      That’s amazing! I wish that I was able to be as accepting of myself at such as young age as you were! But ee yes, I don’t remember if I thought they were ‘superior’ but I knew I didn’t fit in completely with them – and it bothered me to be always an outsider sort of thing.

  • AGREEEEED!!!! Being Asian, there’s definitely a bit of questioning that comes with your identity, especially at a young age around so many “white” people. I didn’t ever feel ashamed, but there was certainly some wishfulness for “what if I was white…?” This especially occurred in Middle School when I began devouring magazines – filled with white models – which was very unhealthy for my self-esteem!

    But you know what! AZNZZZZZ RULE! hahah. But really. I’m happy to be who I am. :)

    QUIRKYEXPLOSION.blogspot.com

    • melludee

      Yessssss! MAGAZINES always made me want to look different ! Eesh
      And I’m happy that you’re happy to be who you are ! COS WE ARE LE AWESOME 8D

  • Awh, I know how you feel. I always wanted to be similar to the kids at my elementary school. But somehow I felt like an outcast since I’m the only Asian the class :( . I am glad that my experience got better, especially right now as high school senior, I am no longer hate my culture and race but actually accept(err well better than before). Your post is inspiring and awesome XD

    • melludee

      I’m really glad to read this !!
      It’s relieving to know that other people feel the same way as I did – and that despite being the only Asian, you’re slowly learning to love yourself !! Keep it up ^__^!

  • […] Favourite blog posts for 2011: Praying for the World, Bloggers Unite, 夏の祭り, One Year Anniversary, Keep Your Chin Up, Do Not Judge a Book by its Cover, Dearest Jen, We ♥ Friendship, Self Hating Asian […]

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